Covid reflections: coming of age/post grad life under lockdown

Because of quarantining, I, like literally everyone else, am spending a lot of time by myself. I only say this because this is a blog post about me- I'm not trying to put words into anyone else's mouth. But my story is not dissimilar from a lot of people out there, so I'll spare you the gory details.

I graduated in May 2020, and like at the time there was absolutely nothing worse. I remember telling people that they had no idea what I was going through, and to be honest, I was right, but not fully.

Graduation during the pandemic was unprecedented. I'm the type of person who always plans for the worst, but I had no idea what the worst could even look like. My entire potential plan was collapsing before my eyes, and I was going to have to stay at home with my parents for a while, relishing in the feeling of failure, and fear that I'll still be here when I'm 30.

Photo by Quin Engle on Unsplash

My senior capstone was a poetry collection, my heart and soul. And for research, I dove deep into my favorite queen sad girl Sylvia Plath. I re-read the Bell Jar, that infamous fig quote. I'll parse it down for you non-literature majors: life is like a fig tree and figs are like the choices, and all of them look so beautiful but if you pick one you can't have the others, and because you can't pick, the figs rot and you have nothing.

And, because I'm being honest, I can tell you that I've always had bad vision and couldn't really make out what my figs even were. Even before shutdowns, I had no idea what was going on.

So I got depressed. It's what I've done when met with hardship before. I retreat into my old habits, bad ones, ones I've had for a long time. It became a battle for my health, and my life.

I recently read "It's Kind of A Funny Story" and in it, Craig has this thought at one time that he's so depressed, and it's so hard to move, and if he stays there long enough, long enough for his parents to die or move, long enough for the city around him to change entirely, he'll be homeless. I felt that - it does sometimes feel like the world is something that happens to us, around us, something entirely out of our control. And when things aren't working out, it can feel like it will be that way forever.

I did get a therapist. First one in a while. I haven't before because it's expensive and I felt like I've had coping mechanisms (even if they weren't healthy ones). But because of all the stuck-ness, it kind of felt dire. It was as close to last ditch effort as I've been in a while.

I think my issue when I start to face adversity is multilayered, but has one key issue: when I'm sad, I get self centered, and I think that I'm the only person who's ever gone through this, and the battle becomes insurmountable, and I think about the problem so hard that the right answer is lost in a cluster of thoughts.

Takes like this obviously lack perspective. It's so easy to be sad when the necessities are taken care of. Of course I'm afraid of not having the necessities- but I have them. So with that, I have to acknowledge how trivial my crisis is- without making myself feel guilty about that.

It isn't like depression isn't an issue for people with privilege- I'm saying it's easy for depression to become the battle you face when everything else is taken care of. Maslow's hierarchy or something.

I got a therapist because I'm fortunate enough to pay for food, and this is the next thing money can buy me that gets me higher on that pyramid. That's a little more than messed up, but we all know that.

My therapist says something to me regularly, when I start to expose my flaws to myself, when I notice things I don't like and wish that I was different - you can change anything about yourself that you want to, whenever you decide to. Set the intention. It's the next thing you get to focus on.

My story isn't that sad, to be honest, I am not that unhealthy, my circumstances definitely aren't unchangeable, even if it feels that way. I guess I'm just taking the time to vibe-check myself and say that despite how I think I could stay in the same spot forever and eventually become homeless, there are also a lot of baby steps that I'm making, and I'm also in a privileged position to even consider personal growth at a time like this.

Here are the takeaways, if there are any: therapy changed my life. nothing is forever (not even you). Writing makes me feel like myself again.